Time to reflect
Ya know, ever since the twins came on scene there has not been much time for any sort of personal reflection. Life has just been busy. It has not gotten any easier since the diagnosis. But, that does not mean that there still is not this part of me that wants take some time to break all this down and figure out where God is in all of it. I suppose it is only natural. I don't find myself mad at God, I just want to know what he wants me to learn from all this. Remember what I said just a moment ago about the twins? Mary just woke up...I'll be back. See what I mean. I was just getting into things.
6 hours later...
Rebecca and I were talking tonight. I think the conclusion we came to is that it has all happened quite quickly and we have not really had time to process much of it. Then, when one looks at the other side of it, Cancer can be big and scary so the question is, "how much of it do I really need/want to process?" Some people's advice to me is to call it a "small speed bump" in the road of life or a little hiccup. So, is that what I do? Merely diminish the disease to a slight obstacle and keep on moving forward? Well, maybe it is. I am not saying I am trying to diminish the battle or even the way I feel. I just don't want to get bogged down. Once again I am not sure how much sense I am making here but through it all, I am so glad that I am at a point in my life that my faith allows me to turn it over to Someone far bigger than I am and I guess that is what really matters. I am not saying it is easy but isn't that what we are called to do? God's there to take all the stuff of our lives, good and bad. Do you ever catch yourself talking to someone (or writing) and realize that your own words are exactly the words that you need to hear? Thanks for checking in as I talk to myself out here on the world wide web.
If you are interested in a similar vein a recent post by the Franciscan Friars can be found here.
Comments
You were saying it has all happened so fast that you haven't really had time to process it all. I would just like to say that in my experience of all that I have experienced, many times not having time to process it all is best. Take our adopting the twins for example. Marty and I had one phone call and I don't remember if it was 24 hrs or 3 days till they actually came to live with us. Now, we don't regret the decision at all but we also had little time to process or prepare. After many conversations with other people I realize that, well having little time to process our decision, just going with our gut instinct (the Holy Spirits influence if you ask me) was God's intention, as humans, we tend to overthink and overanalyze. Our decision was something we could say yes or no to. Having cancer is not something you can say yes or no to so therefore if you had the time to sit and process and overanalyze, what good would it do? But at the same time you mentioned comparing it to a little bump, should you minimalize it that much, I would have to say no to that, again using personal experiences. We had little time to know that my sister-in-law Lisa was dying but that little time wasn't for overanalyzing, it was for preparing it wasn't too much time but it wasn't sudden, she and the kids and Nick could say goodbye. In the twins' and Marty's case his brother being killed suddenly there was no time to say goodbye. So, what I am trying to say is too much time can be more damaging than no time but a little time can be sufficient for what needs to be accomplished. Does any of that make sense? Did any of that help? Obviously I can not even fathom what you and rebecca are going through and I don't want you to think that I could/would compare to anything I have ever been through but I do hope that what I have shared has helped. Love you guys and many blessings be upon you through your trials. God Bless all of you.
Katie
You don't know me, but I LOVE your family. I see them weekly at St. Tim's. They remind me of my own family. My point in mentioning this is that you have a strong faith filled support system that you shouldn't be afraid to tap into. It is a well that runs very deep. I know deep down, God has a plan for you and Rebecca. Trying to decipher what that is can be trying. I will continue to pray for you. Mary Brzinski